Logging back on here today feels exactly like that feeling. It feels a little strange seeing all my previous posts, a nostalgic feeling of deja vu, but a feeling which warms my heart.
I've felt dischevelled lately and I'll be honest, I found it increasingly difficult to blog and share what had been going on in my life. I would sit to write and stare uninspiringly at the screen for ages, hoping, praying and begging for some inspired thought to form and leap onto the page. I craved to feel my fingers race over the keyboard unleashing wild and thought provoking content. But nothing came. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
It was so frustrating. I'd sit with my head in my hands... or head on the table trying to give myself a peep talk and when that didn't work I got all hard on myself. Eventually, after several attempts I conceded a personal defeat and I had to trust that when the time was right I would return with unbridled enthusiasm.
Truth was I did have serious doubts as to whether I would return.
So what's been happening, and why did this Positivity Pimp begin to lose her mojo?
Great question. Pull a seat up, and if you like grab a cuppa and I'll share with you my story.
Back in February I did something which catapulted me way out of my comfort zone. I quit my nice steady comfortable and financially secure job. It was bold as brass and I couldn't have been happier! I had made the decision to push my boundaries and to see what I was really made of. Discovering that life coaching was a job and that you could make a living helping people in the most extraordinary and joyous way was music to my ears. You can then imagine my delight when I was offered a job in the UK as a Guidance Counsellor; combining my love of coaching and my teaching qualifications. I was on the pigs back! Happy dances ensued, and better yet I would also get to be closer to my boyfriend and some of our amazing friends too. It was the icing on the cake. Everything felt aligned, connecting and people kept telling me that 'it was meant to be'.
I packed up my life in Dublin, and hitting the sea and road I arrived in the UK in early March bright eyed and bushy tailed. I felt an adventure was unfolding before me and I was way off the beaten path. What followed was an Alice in Wonderland type tail - plenty of holes to fall down, a couple of mad hatters and some wise rabbits.
My first morning in the new job I was suited and booted, smile planted firmly on my face and still riding the Adrenalin wave of my ski holiday. I was pumped!! But as the week wore on I couldn't ignore the irking feeling in my tummy that things were amiss. The dots weren't connecting and I had a overwhelming feeling that I may have made a huge mistake. I pencilled it down to nerves and expectations, some tiredness and adjusting to a new life here. By week two it was chaos. Phone calls home and crying down the phone to my Mum and Dad ( I felt like I was 15 again). I was smack bang in the middle of confusion central. This was supposed to be my dream job, yet everything felt like it was unravelling one thread at a time.
It was scary as hell. One bad day was greeted by another and as things felt like I was losing control, I began to lose my faith. Ugly fears and harsh self criticisms reared their heads. I was wearing self doubt like a foul smelling perfume. It wasn't a great time and I looked a mess along with it. The sparkle factor was running on empty.
By the time April rolled around I was only one more bad day short of plugging the plug on this adventure, packing up and moving back home. The job wasn't working out at all like I had imagined or hoped that it would have. Too much red tape and all that jazz. I felt hindered, like my hands were tied. As my sense of control slipped I began to drift away from the things that made me feeling abundantly happy.
My energy levels dropped and I felt so embarrassed and fraud like to open up and share what had been happening with anyone outside of my support circle. As days wore on I couldn't contemplate inspiring or motivating others because I felt like a fraud. Things began to spiral. I stopped answering emails and avoiding other commitments. It was disastrous. Shame, Guilt, Embarrassment = an egoic self pity party. My TLC techniques went out the window along with their good friends, healthy eating and exercise.
Deciding to take some of the pressure off I finally started to push back and confront matters head on. Elevating some of the pressure allowed me to turn inwards and begin to focus on myself for a little bit. Being you're own bully is not a pleasant experience and I realised after one particularly red eye/ runny nose cry one night that I needed to be a little gentler with myself. I needed to be a friend to myself. I needed to take a step back and see the bigger picture. I needed to apply the things I talk about and share on this blog. I needed to coach myself back to my best self.
It was an eye opening experience. Going back to basics and uncovering where I was at and where I wanted to go. Beautiful affirmations and soul searching journalling ensued. Meditations and consciously shifting my train of thought. Reading powerful books and doing the homework. Living by the words Ease and Grace. I've been learning so much about myself over the past few weeks.
These shifts have been transforming my life in miraculous ways. Work has improved and while I'm working towards something better, I have been using the power of gratitude to see the blessings in my life on a daily basis. This practise has allowed me to be grounded and to just BE. I've recently moved into a new home with my amazingly supportive boyfriend and setting out our things and making the place more us, I'm beginning to feel settled and more aligned with myself once again.
Just as I believed and trusted at the beginning of these challenging few months the inspiration and motivation would return. This period of self reflection has allowed me to emerge stronger and more certain of the life I want to create. It has also been the best learning experience and allowed me to see the benefits that coaching can do.
|In Spaces Between|
Here we are beautiful on this sunny but fresh May day. I woke this morning and knew that this post needed to be written. It practically wrote itself. It's pulling the plaster off and allowing further healing to begin.
My mind is racing with ideas and I feel the flutter of excitement once again to be back on the blogging scene. In truth I've missed you guys tremendously. I can't thank those of you who have contacted me recently; your loving words astounded me. Your kindness bowled me over and your support has anchored me during those tough days. Thank you sweet friends, you're all amazing.
I can't wait to plan an implement some of the new changes I've drawn up for this blog. I'm going to share with you all the wonderful things I've learnt in the last months about resilience, bouncing back, being kind to yourself, the importance of nutrition, and loving yourself completely. The future is looking bright with possibilities.
I can't wait to get started. It feels so lovely to be home.